Well, what a week it has been! Ups and downs, moments of exhilaration and excitement and moments of utter sadness and confusion. I feel tired and alive all at the same time, and a nice glass of wine will be incredibly welcomed tonight!
Monday started with a bit of anxiety over the finishing parts of my dissertation. I had some stuff still to do, and although it wasn't much it felt like a lot at the time. Once finished I felt ecstatic, and my belly was full of butterflies. I called my mom straight away and jumped up and down with excitement, all this work, all the time and tears that went into it all came to an end. But it wasn't horrible straight away, I was too happy to feel anything other than utter relief.
Tuesday began with pangs of anxiety, almost too much to bear, I could hardly breath and all the butterflies in my belly turned into a ball of fire and I couldn't move. I was nervous. VERY nervous, and I was nervous for a lot of things, at that moment I was scared to hand away this work. My baby that I worked so hard on was someone else's to read and judge and that felt horrible. Also, what now? I mean yes, I still have two exams before it's all really over. But after I sit those exams, what next?!
Well, the wedding of course! This makes me happy and sad, because I've thoroughly enjoyed all the planning and it's been so much fun and part of me doesn't want that part to be over. I've enjoyed it so much, all the ups and downs with that as well have made Ross and I strong, and we truly feel like we can go through anything. (Won't go into that, for the sake of my readers!)
Wednesday, well, Wednesday was a nothing day. Nondescript and boring, I sat around all day panicking that I should be doing something when I realized that I had nothing to do! I felt guilty and sluggish and fat. (let's not talk about Wednesday anymore!)
Thursday, what a weird day Thursday was! My 2 last classes of University! It was fun and sad and I had a migraine. After class we went to Ratho Climbing Centre in Edinburgh and that was....well let's just say I conquered some of my fears yesterday. I laughed and felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, but it was brilliant! In my head I pretended I was on one of those reality TV shows where the people do these ridiculous things that scare the shit out of them because they're on TV. Well I did all that, minus the TV crew. First thing was the Aerial Assault Course, if the name itself doesn't scare you then, shit, you're not living!
We got hooked onto a harness that was hanging by what could be described as a curtain rail and you had to STEP OFF A LEDGE, yep you read correctly and then you slide along this curtain rail til you get to a log ramp, this is all while you're suspended HIGGGGH UP in the air, like really high, I don't know how high because people talk in meters here and its' all confusing. All I know is that if you fell, well you're f*cked. So after you get to this log ramp, you walk along it until you get to logs, just single logs suspended by rope and you walk along them, until you get to logs that are hanging vertically and you have to make your way through those! Then you have to walk along these short of rope bridges. After a while I thought to myself, "why are you doing this? why?" but I kept going. Some people did it twice, once was enough for me!
Then it was on to the wall climbing and that was great! Normally that scares the shit out of me, but because I had just finished the assault course I was totally up for something that was a little less intense! It was fun! Until I got my migraine, then everything went fuzzy and I couldn't see the instructor, it was a little scary climbing up this HUGE wall with nothing holding me but my own strength and a rope! I soldiered on through though and had a good day. That was until I got into it with a friend.
I'm not going to discuss that all here because to be honest, I'm feeling a bit tender about it all. My feelings are hurt, and hers are as well, I understand why she's upset and I hope to God she understand why I'm sad.
She's a bridesmaid in our wedding and she's been a superfriend for years and I'm devastated about how things are right now. It's nothing overly dramatic and I'm sure it'll all be fine, I just want everything to go back to how it was.
On that note I've felt incredibly melancholy today, and it's a shame because we're suppose to be going out for a celebratory drink tonight. The only thing that has managed to cheer me up is The Delicious Miss Dahl, which is the most gorgeous cooking show I've ever seen! She makes me want to go out to the market and buy fresh fruit and veg and make cherry compote and soup! Alas the farmers market is only on Saturdays so I'm out of luck today. I wish there was a market that was open all the time! That would be wonderful! I must say that has been one of the most enjoyable things about having time off. I get to cook again, so we've had the most delicious dinners the last few nights.
I think a nice long shower, some pampering and a nice lunch will cure my melancholy. And let's keep our fingers crossed that everything will start to look up!
* oh on a very very happy note, our wedding invitations arrived in the post on Wednesday! I can't wait to send them out!
Friday 30 April 2010
Monday 19 April 2010
The dissertation fear
Hello blog, it's been a while since my last entry, these are my concerns
Well, my dissertation is due next week! yes, next week! Can you bloody believe it?! The problem at this point is that I can see the end, I can see the light, therefore I want nothing to do with the dissertation anymore, but would instead love to sit at home watching trash tv, eating bad food and searching the internet for various items of clothing. Alas, I am unable to do x,y and z because I need NEED to go to the library to finish my dissertation. I'm pretending like I have nothing else to do, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm meeting with my beloved tutor tomorrow and I hope he tells me I'm brilliant and none of my work needs any fixing because it is perfect the way it is. (this is a hope, and I know it will NOT be a reality)
Now, what is annoying me, my dear blog is Ross. I know that sounds horrible,and I only mean it right now because he is absolutely perfect in every way, except when I have something big to do. Then I despise him, because he's always right, and gives great advice, but when I'm stressed out and I want to veg out, I want him to say "oh love, you deserve a day off, why don't you sit on the couch watching 'antiques road show' and 'come dine with me' with a giant tub of ice cream, you deserve it" but instead he's completely level headed and say things like "what time are you getting to the library" in which I reply, "I don't know, I just feel like sitting around doing nothing" and he says "well you know that's not an option right", well OF COURSE ITS' NOT AN OPTION, my freakin' dissertation is due in a week, I know it's not an option, but play my game Ross. Tell me I'm a wonderful wife (to be) and that I deserve to rest because I"m so fucking brilliant 365 days of the year that my brain needs time to recuperate.
I hate writing bloody conclusions, especially huge ONES that will make or break a HUGE paper. the biggest paper I've ever written in my small stupid miniscule life.
I want to cry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself (ok maybe I am) but shit, I just want to do nothing. I've worked hard, not as hard as I could, because if I had I'd be done with the stupid paper by now, but I've worked consistently for days, and I've been working on it inconsistently for MONTHS!
off with her head!
Well, my dissertation is due next week! yes, next week! Can you bloody believe it?! The problem at this point is that I can see the end, I can see the light, therefore I want nothing to do with the dissertation anymore, but would instead love to sit at home watching trash tv, eating bad food and searching the internet for various items of clothing. Alas, I am unable to do x,y and z because I need NEED to go to the library to finish my dissertation. I'm pretending like I have nothing else to do, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm meeting with my beloved tutor tomorrow and I hope he tells me I'm brilliant and none of my work needs any fixing because it is perfect the way it is. (this is a hope, and I know it will NOT be a reality)
Now, what is annoying me, my dear blog is Ross. I know that sounds horrible,and I only mean it right now because he is absolutely perfect in every way, except when I have something big to do. Then I despise him, because he's always right, and gives great advice, but when I'm stressed out and I want to veg out, I want him to say "oh love, you deserve a day off, why don't you sit on the couch watching 'antiques road show' and 'come dine with me' with a giant tub of ice cream, you deserve it" but instead he's completely level headed and say things like "what time are you getting to the library" in which I reply, "I don't know, I just feel like sitting around doing nothing" and he says "well you know that's not an option right", well OF COURSE ITS' NOT AN OPTION, my freakin' dissertation is due in a week, I know it's not an option, but play my game Ross. Tell me I'm a wonderful wife (to be) and that I deserve to rest because I"m so fucking brilliant 365 days of the year that my brain needs time to recuperate.
I hate writing bloody conclusions, especially huge ONES that will make or break a HUGE paper. the biggest paper I've ever written in my small stupid miniscule life.
I want to cry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself (ok maybe I am) but shit, I just want to do nothing. I've worked hard, not as hard as I could, because if I had I'd be done with the stupid paper by now, but I've worked consistently for days, and I've been working on it inconsistently for MONTHS!
off with her head!
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