Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Wow. Haven't written in ages! Well I'm married now, my teapot collection has expanded and I've cut off all my hair

Friday, 30 April 2010

Oh what a week!

Well, what a week it has been! Ups and downs, moments of exhilaration and excitement and moments of utter sadness and confusion. I feel tired and alive all at the same time, and a nice glass of wine will be incredibly welcomed tonight!

Monday started with a bit of anxiety over the finishing parts of my dissertation. I had some stuff still to do, and although it wasn't much it felt like a lot at the time. Once finished I felt ecstatic, and my belly was full of butterflies. I called my mom straight away and jumped up and down with excitement, all this work, all the time and tears that went into it all came to an end. But it wasn't horrible straight away, I was too happy to feel anything other than utter relief.
Tuesday began with pangs of anxiety, almost too much to bear, I could hardly breath and all the butterflies in my belly turned into a ball of fire and I couldn't move. I was nervous. VERY nervous, and I was nervous for a lot of things, at that moment I was scared to hand away this work. My baby that I worked so hard on was someone else's to read and judge and that felt horrible. Also, what now? I mean yes, I still have two exams before it's all really over. But after I sit those exams, what next?!
Well, the wedding of course! This makes me happy and sad, because I've thoroughly enjoyed all the planning and it's been so much fun and part of me doesn't want that part to be over. I've enjoyed it so much, all the ups and downs with that as well have made Ross and I strong, and we truly feel like we can go through anything. (Won't go into that, for the sake of my readers!)

Wednesday, well, Wednesday was a nothing day. Nondescript and boring, I sat around all day panicking that I should be doing something when I realized that I had nothing to do! I felt guilty and sluggish and fat. (let's not talk about Wednesday anymore!)

Thursday, what a weird day Thursday was! My 2 last classes of University! It was fun and sad and I had a migraine. After class we went to Ratho Climbing Centre in Edinburgh and that was....well let's just say I conquered some of my fears yesterday. I laughed and felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, but it was brilliant! In my head I pretended I was on one of those reality TV shows where the people do these ridiculous things that scare the shit out of them because they're on TV. Well I did all that, minus the TV crew. First thing was the Aerial Assault Course, if the name itself doesn't scare you then, shit, you're not living!
We got hooked onto a harness that was hanging by what could be described as a curtain rail and you had to STEP OFF A LEDGE, yep you read correctly and then you slide along this curtain rail til you get to a log ramp, this is all while you're suspended HIGGGGH UP in the air, like really high, I don't know how high because people talk in meters here and its' all confusing. All I know is that if you fell, well you're f*cked. So after you get to this log ramp, you walk along it until you get to logs, just single logs suspended by rope and you walk along them, until you get to logs that are hanging vertically and you have to make your way through those! Then you have to walk along these short of rope bridges. After a while I thought to myself, "why are you doing this? why?" but I kept going. Some people did it twice, once was enough for me!

Then it was on to the wall climbing and that was great! Normally that scares the shit out of me, but because I had just finished the assault course I was totally up for something that was a little less intense! It was fun! Until I got my migraine, then everything went fuzzy and I couldn't see the instructor, it was a little scary climbing up this HUGE wall with nothing holding me but my own strength and a rope! I soldiered on through though and had a good day. That was until I got into it with a friend.

I'm not going to discuss that all here because to be honest, I'm feeling a bit tender about it all. My feelings are hurt, and hers are as well, I understand why she's upset and I hope to God she understand why I'm sad.
She's a bridesmaid in our wedding and she's been a superfriend for years and I'm devastated about how things are right now. It's nothing overly dramatic and I'm sure it'll all be fine, I just want everything to go back to how it was.

On that note I've felt incredibly melancholy today, and it's a shame because we're suppose to be going out for a celebratory drink tonight. The only thing that has managed to cheer me up is The Delicious Miss Dahl, which is the most gorgeous cooking show I've ever seen! She makes me want to go out to the market and buy fresh fruit and veg and make cherry compote and soup! Alas the farmers market is only on Saturdays so I'm out of luck today. I wish there was a market that was open all the time! That would be wonderful! I must say that has been one of the most enjoyable things about having time off. I get to cook again, so we've had the most delicious dinners the last few nights.

I think a nice long shower, some pampering and a nice lunch will cure my melancholy. And let's keep our fingers crossed that everything will start to look up!

* oh on a very very happy note, our wedding invitations arrived in the post on Wednesday! I can't wait to send them out!

Monday, 19 April 2010

The dissertation fear

Hello blog, it's been a while since my last entry, these are my concerns

Well, my dissertation is due next week! yes, next week! Can you bloody believe it?! The problem at this point is that I can see the end, I can see the light, therefore I want nothing to do with the dissertation anymore, but would instead love to sit at home watching trash tv, eating bad food and searching the internet for various items of clothing. Alas, I am unable to do x,y and z because I need NEED to go to the library to finish my dissertation. I'm pretending like I have nothing else to do, and that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm meeting with my beloved tutor tomorrow and I hope he tells me I'm brilliant and none of my work needs any fixing because it is perfect the way it is. (this is a hope, and I know it will NOT be a reality)

Now, what is annoying me, my dear blog is Ross. I know that sounds horrible,and I only mean it right now because he is absolutely perfect in every way, except when I have something big to do. Then I despise him, because he's always right, and gives great advice, but when I'm stressed out and I want to veg out, I want him to say "oh love, you deserve a day off, why don't you sit on the couch watching 'antiques road show' and 'come dine with me' with a giant tub of ice cream, you deserve it" but instead he's completely level headed and say things like "what time are you getting to the library" in which I reply, "I don't know, I just feel like sitting around doing nothing" and he says "well you know that's not an option right", well OF COURSE ITS' NOT AN OPTION, my freakin' dissertation is due in a week, I know it's not an option, but play my game Ross. Tell me I'm a wonderful wife (to be) and that I deserve to rest because I"m so fucking brilliant 365 days of the year that my brain needs time to recuperate.

I hate writing bloody conclusions, especially huge ONES that will make or break a HUGE paper. the biggest paper I've ever written in my small stupid miniscule life.

I want to cry. I'm not feeling sorry for myself (ok maybe I am) but shit, I just want to do nothing. I've worked hard, not as hard as I could, because if I had I'd be done with the stupid paper by now, but I've worked consistently for days, and I've been working on it inconsistently for MONTHS!

off with her head!

Friday, 2 April 2010

blerg! horrendous gray hair

Look at this jerk!

i really wanted a drink tonight...but didn't have anyone to drink with, and drinking alone makes you an alchy

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

the perfect bouquet

The last few months I've been absolutely obsessed with wedding bouquets; becoming obsessed is a particular theme going on during wedding planning for me. When I was looking for dresses I was absolutely obsessed with finding the perfect one, when looking for venues I became obsessed with 'the perfect venue with amazing aesthetics', when I was looking for photographers...oh you get the point.

Anyway I have found who I think is the perfect florist and I was delighted when she posted THIS gorgeous bouquet on her blog

It's perfect, absolutely perfect!! The image is from

Monday, 22 March 2010

la guitarra

a couple of years ago i bought ross a guitar. he never plays it, he doesn't even know how. i'm sick to death of the sight it, and i'm sick of bumping into it every time i pass it. i hate it because it just sits there looking pretty and untouched (that's not what guitars are for!) so, i am going to learn how to play this guitar, this pretty black guitar that i bought ross. i've always been good with musical instruments, so i'm wondering why the guitar scares me so, but i look forward to learning something new, picking up a new hobby; and i hope i'm good at it, because i always wanted to be a i just need to learn how to sing.

Friday, 19 March 2010

wedding dream

So, last night I had a wedding dream. I've had wedding dreams before but usually only when I'm stressed about the wedding, and they normally aren't this vivid, but in this particular dream I was wearing my dress and shoes (both of which I own already). Usually dreams involve me wearing a purple dress, or I don't have my dress and that's part of the nightmare. Anyway in this dream, like all the others, I wasn't prepared; my nails had chipped nail polish, I had to do my hair myself, I was running around like mad and then ROSS SAW ME IN MY DRESS BEFORE THE CEREMONY!

In my wedding dreams it's like my wedding pops up and I'm not ready, it's like I wake up in the dream and say "shit, today's my wedding and I'm not ready"; but not ready as in not prepared, NOT as in I'm not ready to marry him. That's why I find all these dreams funny, because aren't dreams suppose to tell you something? What do these dreams mean? Also, this was the first time in my life that I was able to wake up, go back to sleep and continue with the same dream! WEIRD. This dreams fill me with a sense of paranoia, I always seem to forget something in the dream. And what scared me about my dream last night was that it was so...true to real life. My dress, shoes and rings were the same. I panicked about forgetting the iPod, I was nervous about so many things and I woke up feeling physically nervous. Now that I'm awake I obviously feel better, but I'm wondering if these dreams are in a way preparing me to prepare myself for the day. I'm completely a control freak anyway so I'm hoping I wouldn't forget anything, but maybe these dreams are a way of reminding me NOT to forget the rings and the iPod and to have fun!

Eh, I don't know. All I know is that I'm soo excited for when the day actually comes, and hopefully Ross won't see me in my dress until I'm ready for him to!

Monday, 15 March 2010

Sensitive Soul.

As I got ready to write this blog I nearly fell off my chair, making this the second time today that I've toppled over, deary me!

With this said, the above statement has nothing to do with what I signed on to post about, although since deciding to blog I have had a series of things happen, like forgetting my password even though I just logged in the other day, another sign that I'm becoming forgetful? Yes.

Well, as the title states, I am a sensitive soul, not something very many people know about me, but alas it's true. I am very sensitive and even the most unemotional sentiments can send me into a frenzy of tears and snotters. I've always been sensitive and it's something that although it bothers me sometimes, I like about myself. It makes me feel real, it makes me feel something; compassion, empathy, sadness, happiness. Sensitivity in my mind is not just the ability to react to sad moments, but the feeling of overwhelming joy with kind gestures.

Before I begin ranting too much I guess I'll just get into what has bothered me today, it was a completely mediocre day, perhaps below average but nothing to be upset about, every day is a good day in my eyes, unless it's a bad day (that makes sense to me). Now, while I'm getting ready to say this I'm feeling silly, but maybe this is just what I needed to do, blog, in order to relieve the feeling.

Here goes.

I was sitting on my ass, watching really bad television and enjoying myself. I went onto Facebook on my phone and read all the updates and corrected someone's spelling, now I know it's an aggravating thing do, and perhaps in a sense condescending, but in the true meaning of condescending I was in no way turning my nose up at her lack of spelling but reacting almost instinctively to a mistake; with this said, I'm not against mistakes and I make them often but I feel as though when asking for someone to partake in a focus group you should use proper spelling. (I know that was a ridiculously long run on sentence)
I didn't say "you spelled that wrong you idiot, spell it this way" but simply wrote the correct spelling, which she could have in turn deleted and fixed her mistake! Instead I was confronted with 'I hate you Raquel" and then another comment un-inviting me to this said focus group, and shunning me because of my nationality.

I know this all sounds stupid and childish and perhaps it's my fault for assuming that she wouldn't take it the wrong way, or maybe I just like winding her up, either way I'm sick of being accosted for being smart. (to clarify I am not saying I'm smart, but I'm subjected to comments about me being a goody too shoes, and for trying too hard)

I'm not a quitter, although I use to be, and I try really fucking hard at University, and that's with me not even putting in 100% as of late because I've become increasingly lazy (see I'm not perfect!!)
I just feel as though everyone has this notion that I'm stuck up and horrible and if they got to know me they would know that it's my defense because I'm sensitive. I've let my guard down and perhaps this person was only joking when she said she hated me, but I don't find it very funny. It's days like this when I wish I had my mommy here to hug me, or my sister to make me laugh. I am terribly lonely sometimes and words of hatred only make me sadder.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Where we are now

I've realized it's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a blog, and with it becoming increasingly popular lately I decided to go ahead and jump on the bandwagon. Although I must admit I've been blogging since I was about 19 years old...anyway this is not a competition on how cool one is based on their blogging history.

Yet, I have no blogging agenda today or ideas about what I'd like to 'discuss' as my life has becoming increasingly boring, as the most exciting part of my day is deciding what to have for dinner. But, with this said our life has become crammed with wedding planning that has ceased to overwhelm us and that we have instead taken by the horns, not that our wedding grew horns, but...well I've never been good at figurative speaking.

Eureka moment! this blog will be about our upcoming wedding! I have just decided.
Well, not that anyone actually reads this but for those of you who do, you will know that R and I are getting married on the 4th of July; with me being American when I say this I usually hear the comment "oh how patriotic" well, I'm not incredibly patriotic, although I do like the idea of red, white and blue, parades and fireworks, but I've always been over the top.

Our wedding date was picked not because of my patriotism, but because it was close to my graduation date AND it's a day we'll always remember, I do also like the idea of always having a BBQ on our anniversary and of course...fireworks! Every year we will celebrate with strawberry cheesecake, over grilled barbecue chicken and perhaps too many cold beers, but it will always be a day to remember and I like that, I like that a lot.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, talking about anniversaries when we haven't even tied the knot yet. I will say that I do have my dream dress, the most fabulous shoes on earth, a fantastic florist, a photographer (eh I'll get into that another time), a delicious menu, someone to marry us, a venue, and of course someone to marry me. I always knew that if I wanted to get married none of the vendors would be a problem, but I'm happy that I've found someone who I want to marry, and who can actually stand the sight of me after five years. I will admit that I am incredibly annoying and dizzyingly hyperactive. I talk too much and I always have something to say, yet I've found the most incredible man who doesn't find these attributes annoying but charming. Please don't ask me how I've managed to find someone because I'm still asking myself the same question, what I do know is that we are VERY excited for our upcoming wedding and that spending forever together doesn't seem long enough.

I promise to make more out of this blog, and perhaps turn into a wedding blog (this idea has been in my head for a while) I quite like the idea of being a blogger, if only to give me something to talk about!